Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Owning Resistance

When I visit The Journaling Lounge there is a tabbed link at the top of the page that reads, Goals. What is it about that word that tenses me up, enhances my fears and provokes panic? And why do I need to set a goal? I manage just fine. I'm quite productive without a schedule or a time-line. I'm here writing and I didn't need a goal to do that.

Get a grip. You're in denial. How are you going to accomplish anything with an attitude like that?

This four letter link kept saying "Come to me. Come to me." So, I clicked on it once to see what it was all about.

Yep. Just what I thought. Little boxes for what, where and by when. Quick...get out, get out, get out before someone sees you. Before you know it you'll be committed.

I did what I was told. I got the heck outta there. But I wondered what the big deal was about being committed. I'm committed to lots of things. I've been married for twelve years. I'm committed to my hubby, my daughter and volunteering at her school, laundry, shopping, mopping, vacuuming, dusting, doing dishes, drinking coffee, eating chocolate....I'm a dependable, responsible, committed person. I pay my bills on time.

er, yeah, except to your Self.

What?

You're committed to everyone and everything except your Self.

Oh.

Deciding that I really should sit down and choose...gulp...a goal, define it and set a time limit I twisted an arm and clicked on the link again.

Uh, I don't think you want to do that.

I began to fill in the blanks...until I got to the date section. I just couldn't pick a day.

You probably won't get it done by then anyway. Just get to it when you get to it.

It's not Me who is resistant to goals, it's that little voice which often doesn't appear to be so little. I've heard it called "Gremlin", but I tend to think of it as "Hungry." It's hungry to control me with fear, to step on me with negativity, to steal my energy and power, to make me hungry for unhealthy, un-nourishing food and weigh me down with extra pounds of fat from letting m'self go and carrying a crap load of baggage. It's never satisfied and it's never full...no matter how much I feed it.

Sure. Go ahead. Blame me.

Could you just be quiet for a moment? I'm trying to write here. I'd get so much more done if you'd stop talking to me. Gee-sh.

All right. All right. I'm just saying....blaming someone else won't get you anywhere.

I apologize for the constant interruptions. Just ignore her. Maybe she'll go away. Now, where was I?

Oh, yes, resistance to Goals. I have given this some thought recently. More so the past couple of weeks since my counselor asked me what my dream in all of this is as we talked about my blogs and online shops, recent creative projects, etc. I gave her my standard, "I don't know" answer; which wasn’t entirely true. I do have a general idea of what my dream is, but it’s one of those things…you know, one of those things you just can’t bring yourself to say out loud.

I think....yeah right, you know....that I fear failure. If I don't set a reasonable and accurate time-line to reach a goal I will feel like a failure. Destructive thinking and actions will follow. However, I also fear success and similar to fear destructive thinking and self-sabotage will follow. I seem to think that if I don't claim what I want then I can't fail. If I don’t stand on top of the mountain and exclaim my desire for all to hear, then no one will be watching me and therefore I can’t let anyone down. All the while I know intellectually that not even trying to define a dream or a goal is guaranteed failure. Avoiding the fear of failure does not make the fear go away and quite often leads to more intense feelings of failure. And just because no one else is watching doesn’t mean I’m not letting anyone down. What about me? What about letting myself down? Doesn’t that count for something?

Sure, if you say so. Just don’t come crying to me when it doesn’t work out.

Oh, get out of my way, would you? You’re really annoying.

At the beginning of this year I created a vision board, I included lots of words that spoke to me: health, money, and harmony, write, and love….but I didn’t sit with myself to think about what these words actually mean to me. So for the past two weeks I have been having a conversation with myself. While I have taken steps forward and continue with my healing, transformation and growth there is one thing I have not done--okay, two. I have not been still long enough to define what it is I really want to have in my life and I have not set a...gulp....goal. Not one.

Then I read a blog entry written by the amazingly, magical Megan Monique. Owning Fear: Living Your Dream. You can read it here: Owning Fear  She is traveling the country and living her dream, yet in this post you find that she too struggles with fear. As I have followed her journey these past couple of months one word keeps popping into my mind: brave. She is so brave! What she is doing with her Magical Eyes Tour is incredible and fun and I so couldn’t do that. You can read more about her travels at My Pink Roadmap.  At the end of Megan’s Owning Fear blog entry, she inquires as to the tools you use to journey through your fear, or are you stuck in it?

Confession: I am stuck in my fear. The rain has stopped, the sun is shining, but I’ve fallen into a huge mud puddle and I can’t step out of it. Every time I try, my boots come off.

So, here I am. I’ve mumbled, I’ve stumbled and in the midst of it all I have discovered that I am not alone. To brighten things further, this morning I received Owning Pink’s Mojo Tip: Being real means being vulnerable. You don't have to have all the answers. How timely was that?! I don’t have all the answers, I wobble in fear but I have not given up.

What’s next? A goal or two. I’m ready. So here goes….

I, Syda, will define my dream for Kreative Notions. It is to be completed by March 31, 2010.
I, Syda, will list ten things I want to experience, accomplish, do, be or learn by April 1, 2010.

Thanks for reading!! Have a beautiful day!! See ya'll here again soon!

JoY & Gratitude~
Syda

*cross posted at The Journaling Lounge & Owning Pink

No comments:

Post a Comment

Pulling Threads :: The Boarder

Sometime between elementary and my middle-school-age years we had a boarder. The Colton's lived down the street. Mrs. Colton would s...