Thursday, June 21, 2012

Sifting Through :: Abandonment

It is no surprise I have abandonment issues.

My first stepfather went so far as to give me his name, but he was gone before I knew who he was.

Childhood memories of love and acceptance revolve around my grandmother and youngest aunt. I lost my grandmother to cancer when I was ten. My aunt had to move.

As life moved on I experienced the usual losses of friendship due to moves and teenage drama, growing apart and taking different paths.

However, my pain always focused on childhood abuses. I never once considered that I had been feeling abandoned.

Living in Sacramento I was blessed to develop several wonderful friendships. They were all different and each enhanced a different part of my life. Without them I wouldn’t have made it out of an abusive marriage or made it through being on my own for the first time in my life, and not one of them was afraid to slap me upside the head with the truth when I needed it. It wasn’t always pretty, but it was always supportive and loving.

Paths cross. Roads curve. Life changes. One by one their lives moved on and to other states. I woke up one day and realized I didn’t have anyone to meet for coffee, conversation, a walk in the park, lunch, or shopping.

I was alone.

Through therapy and reading I have come to understand that I have felt abandoned, but I had no idea the immense role it played in my life. It’s much bigger than I imagined.

Than I ever imagined.

In my day-to-day “real” life I don’t have any “real life” friends nearby and I no longer have a BFF. Coffee dates with other women have led to mere acquaintanceship. Ms. F. Quibbler spits and spouts about my lacking personality, my inept social skills and a myriad of other things that are wrong with me.

The river runs deep.


I have watched connections form through social media. I question why I don’t seem to be able to create the same kinds of connections, followings, likes and readership. The excuses surface and none give me the answers I am looking for.

Then it hit me…

f.e.a.r..o.f..a.b.a.n.d.o.n.m.e.n.t.


My fear of abandonment permeates every aspect of my life; from the day-to-day real life moments to the virtual reality that is social media. I’ve given it power over my relationships with my husband and stepchildren, my day-to-day meanderings and my social media and online experience. I am so afraid of not being loved that I often make it very difficult for others to love me. I think about those brave moments when I turn on my light, come out of the shadows and shine. Feedback and love flows back and I run for the hills, seize up, disappear and try to become invisible.

I put a lot of time and energy into being invisible and then wonder why I feel as though no one sees me. Duh.

Truth :: It’s not you. It’s me.


I resist. I resist coming out of the shadows and connecting, commenting, posting, and participating. I resist getting attached out of fear that you will move on. I resist and in all of that resistance I abandon myself. I abandon my words, my voice, my writing, my creating, my sharing, and my being.

It’s me. It’s all me. I choose to put off blog posts. I choose to neglect social media. I choose to sit on the sidelines.

Where there is truth, there is choice.


I can choose. I can choose to resist what isn’t, or I can choose to embrace what is. I can choose to be swallowed up by the darkness I create or I can choose to spend my days in the light that I am. I can choose to sit in loneliness and fear, or I can choose friendship, connection and love. I can choose to be invisible, or I can choose to be prepared and show up…

To myself. For myself. And for you.

Have you ever abandoned yourself? Do you show up? Do you ever wish you had an invisibility cloak?

5 comments:

  1. Who the heck is Ms. F. Quibbler, and whot the heck does *she* know?! I'll tell you who and whot: nothing! She certainly isn't you, and she certainly doesn't *know* you. Ask yourself this: "Of what value is the opinion of one's whose judgement you don't respect?" Now, let's talk about the value of *my* opinion, specifically my opinion of you: As for abandonment, you nailed it. When you stop running away from home, you'll realize you never left. (Have you noticed that your running-away trips are no longer around the world, and are now just down to the corner? You make us proud, kid.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ha! Thanks Beej! Ms. F. Quibbler (as I'm sure you've guessed) is what I've named that inner voice that spouts rumors and garbage about me. LOL. She doesn't really know anything, but unfortunately I still listen to her sometimes.

    Thank you for all your love, support and truth telling! I couldn't do it without you! Well, I could, but I choose not to. >HUGS<

    ReplyDelete
  3. [...] There’s also a new blog post :: Sifting Through Abandonment here. [...]

    ReplyDelete
  4. Syda! No wonder you and I click so much. Your life is like a mirror of mine! I am at the same stage as you as now I choose to be alone, however, long for "a bunch of bff's" to have coffee with. Even if its just 1 or 2 and not a "bunch". My online friends are my support and family, but I would love to have ALL of you here having a dinner party at my house.. lets say.. next Sunday?

    Seriously speaking... I love you.. and we will get passed being invisible. My first step is when I died the front of my hair purple.. Who can miss that?

    Love to you

    Kim

    ReplyDelete
  5. Kim! I've noticed the similarities in our experiences too! Amazing and encouraging and soothing to know that we are not in this journey called life alone. Thanks for all your love friend! I'll be there by 6 for dinner. What'chya cooking'? LOL.

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete

Pulling Threads :: The Boarder

Sometime between elementary and my middle-school-age years we had a boarder. The Colton's lived down the street. Mrs. Colton would s...