Do I Examine My Life Enough?
Sometimes I feel as though that is all I do. Examine my life. Now that I am asking the question I wonder if it really is examining that I am doing. I seem to spend most of my time berating myself, beating myself up and feeling sorry for myself. I'm not living my life as I envision it. I'm stuck in mourning the love I lost or was denied as a child. I'm consumed by resentment for the lies I was told.
At the same time my life is not what I had imagined when I was younger. When I think back to when I was younger I can't even recall what I thought my life would be like. I had such a miserable upbringing, I was focused on getting out. And I did get out....eventually.
Life has taken many unexpected turns. I know I never imagined myself in Sacramento, married to a milk man with seven kids from a previous marriage. I know I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd be a mixed media artist, let alone being a creative and I certainly never imagined sharing any of it publicly.
Do I examine my life enough? Probably not. I look at it. I grieve for it. I wish it. I try to ignore it, avoid it and deny it. I don't ask the questions because quite often I think I'm afraid of the answers. My mind draws a blank and when I seek out the questions posed by others, I have absolutely no idea how to answer them. I'm not even certain I am satisfied with this answer, but it's a start.
[Insprired by the April 2014 edition of O Magazine; 20 Questions Every Woman Should Ask Herself Today, #1]