Sunday, March 16, 2014

Do I Examine My Life Enough?

Do I Examine My Life Enough?

Sometimes I feel as though that is all I do.  Examine my life.  Now that I am asking the question I wonder if it really is examining that I am doing.  I seem to spend most of my time berating myself, beating myself up and feeling sorry for myself.  I'm not living my life as I envision it.  I'm stuck in mourning the love I lost or was denied as a child.  I'm consumed by resentment for the lies I was told.  

At the same time my life is not what I had imagined when I was younger.  When I think back to when I was younger I can't even recall what I thought my life would be like.  I had such a miserable upbringing, I was focused on getting out.  And I did get out....eventually.

Life has taken many unexpected turns.  I know I never imagined myself in Sacramento, married to a milk man with seven kids from a previous marriage.  I know I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd be a mixed media artist, let alone being a creative and I certainly never imagined sharing any of it publicly. 

Do I examine my life enough?  Probably not.  I look at it.  I grieve for it.  I wish it.  I try to ignore it, avoid it and deny it.  I don't ask the questions because quite often I think I'm afraid of the answers.  My mind draws a blank and when I seek out the questions posed by others, I have absolutely no idea how to answer them.  I'm not even certain I am satisfied with this answer, but it's a start.

[Insprired by the April 2014 edition of O Magazine; 20 Questions Every Woman Should Ask Herself Today, #1]

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