Thursday, June 26, 2014

Sifting Through a Morning Page

[This is an actual journal entry from a morning page session.]


thursday:


most of my thoughts feel so random and meaningless.  garbage.  lots and lots of garbage churning in my head.  avoidance.  resistance.  standing in the doorway not daring to enter the abyss of emotions.  i don't want to feel them.  all the while knowing i need to feel them and set them free.  set myself free.


crap.


the morning is overcast and breezy.  it almost feels like it might rain.  i know it won't.  it feels nice.  cool.  calming.


i sip my cuppa and wander about my head deciding what will be done today.  so many details and things to do that i have postponed and avoided and ignored for so long.  


jeriko [our cat] is at the screen door sniffing and wanting to engage the world.


funny. engage is my word for the year.  we're halfway there and i haven't done a whole lot of it.  


i keep thinking how i got screwed.  how i wasn't given the permission to dream and hope and strive.  it was more of an underlying doctrine that my life was meant to be nothing.  you're not going to college.  you're not going to be something or someone.  you weren't born to be successful.  happiness is a lie.  there's nothing to get excited about. you're just gonna live and die and the world is going to dictate your worth.  life's meaning was entirely external.  other's would decide and you had to let them.  and just so you know, they won't think you worthy at all.  so give up.  your heart is broken and can never be fixed.  there's nothing more than this.  poverty.  wanting.  and never getting.  dreams are a waste of time.  they don't come true.  there's nothing special about you.  you're not good enough for this world.  you're not talented.  you're not enough.  


shit.  am i sending these same stupid messages to my daughter?


i remember things that were said to me.  the teacher who ridiculed me in front of the entire class because she overheard me asking a classmate about a term she had used that i didn't understand.  but i also remember all the things that weren't said to me. 


and while i cannot unhear that voice that told me i was stupid in the sixth grade, i also cannot hear all the things that were never said to me. some days i sit here and get lost in my head trying to hear them.  in the end there is nothing i can do about the past.  it is what it is.  it happened or didn't happen.  i now see how these experiences have shaped me.  i struggle to ask or answer questions.  and siri is of no help.  :)  i struggle to feel excited, passionate, worthy or loved. 


today i am left with the challenge of trying to reshape my life, to unhear what i heard and learn to say to myself what i didn't hear.  i must mourn the child that once was.  the child who had curiosity, dreams, passion, and purpose before it was ripped from her arms. i must mourn the loss of what i never had and learn to give it to myself as i make a conscious effort to give it to my daughter so when she looks back she will hear all the things I never did.


you are loved.

you are worthy.

you are more than enough.

you go girl!


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Thank you for stopping by and reading!  

joY & gratitude,

Syda

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