i'm tired. the house is a mess. guess i should clean some things up. purge. organize. let go.
brain fog. lacking words. cluttered thoughts.
a todo list a mile long. never knowing where to begin. hard to begin. hard to do sometimes.
paralyzed by fear, not knowing how.
not wanting to be seen as a copy cat, a cheater, a theif.
they act upon my ideas. ideas i postpone for when i'm good enough.
standing on the edge. afraid to jump in. even though I know how to swim. still, yet, i could drown.
but i already am. drowning on dry land. drowning in unwritten lists, unformulated thoughts, cluttered corners i try to keep hidden in the dark.
questioning. wondering. pondering. still the answers are unknown. or are they?
what if i were brave? what does that mean? what would it look like?
what if i really trusted and believed? or do i simply trust and believe the wrong things?
why does that fly keep landing on my coffee cup?
i wait. i wait a lot. i wait for the right words, the right thoughts, the right feelings. i wait for them. i wait for the right time. i wait for perfection. i wait for the commercials. then i wait for the commercials to end.
goals. i hate setting goals. truth is, i have goals. they're locked up tightly in my head. i don't write them down. if i did i'd have to look at them. if i did others would see them. and when i didn't meet them i'd feel like a failure.
but i already do. because even though they're locked in my head i know they are there.
all the steps. all the todos. all the things i need and want to do.
today is day one.
tick one off.