Thursday, August 14, 2014

If This Makes Sense to You Perhaps You Can Explain it to Me

I don't use captial letters in my journal writing, my Morning Pages.  I don't want to get hung up on perfect grammar, perfect sentences or even proper sentences.  I just want to learn to focus on my thoughts and get them down on paper (or into a document). Here is an excerpt from a recent writing session:


i'm tired.  the house is a mess.  guess i should clean some things up.  purge.  organize.  let go.


tired.


tired.


tired.


brain fog.  lacking words.  cluttered thoughts.


a todo list a mile long. never knowing where to begin.  hard to begin.  hard to do sometimes.


wishing.


hoping.


dreaming.


paralyzed by fear, not knowing how.


not wanting to be seen as a copy cat, a cheater, a theif.


they act upon my ideas. ideas i postpone for when i'm good enough.


standing on the edge. afraid to jump in. even though I know how to swim.  still, yet, i could drown.


but i already am. drowning on dry land. drowning in unwritten lists, unformulated thoughts, cluttered corners i try to keep hidden in the dark.


questioning. wondering. pondering. still the answers are unknown. or are they?


what if i were brave? what does that mean? what would it look like?


what if i really trusted and believed? or do i simply trust and believe the wrong things?


why does that fly keep landing on my coffee cup? 


i wait.  i wait a lot.  i wait for the right words, the right thoughts, the right feelings.  i wait for them. i wait for the right time. i wait for perfection.  i wait for the commercials.  then i wait for the commercials to end.


goals. i hate setting goals.  truth is, i have goals.  they're locked up tightly in my head.  i don't write them down. if i did i'd have to look at them.  if i did others would see them. and when i didn't meet them i'd feel like a failure.


but i already do. because even though they're locked in my head i know they are there.


all the steps.  all the todos.  all the things i need and want to do.  


today is day one.


tick one off.


just one.

4 comments:

  1. Oh my sweet Syda. How I can relate to everything you wrote.

    So much on the inner "goal" list. So much to do...

    I have one thing to say. You inspire me, and you are brave. You have jumped, and put your work out into the world.. for that I am grateful, as your work is a muse for mine.

    Love you so much.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, thank you so much Kim. I'm deeply touched and so grateful for our connection.

      Love & a long, lingering hug to you.

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  2. Oh how I recognize this <3 I have recently started to write down everything that goes around in my mind. I don't have to do anything with it (yet). Just note taking. Just peace. It really works. And it is really fun to discover what my secretly hidden goals were. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Sylvia! It does work...writing down all the randomness that pops up. It often leads to something bigger. :)

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